But I’m collecting my thoughts.
This is my blog about writing. Only I haven’t been writing much the past few weeks.
Work is crazy busy. And anytime I sit down to write something other than work, emails, or facebook & twitter updates, I can only think about one thing.
And I’m not ready to write poems about my kidney yet. I started March/April going strong, writing snippets of poems and gathering notes. I probably have enough poem skeletons for a full manuscript. Does anyone want to read a full manuscript about the process of donating your kidney? Who knows? The poem skeletons are not just about me, they’re about my brother, about illness, and about the history and future of kidney transplantation and organ donation.
But I felt like I had to stop writing about it. I know how I feel before. A lot of the ideas I have are for the after, when I only have one kidney. It feels silly to write poems about having one kidney when I still have two. It feels silly to talk about the loss of my kidney when it is still working hard inside me. (Though I already feel a loss). But it also feels silly to write about it when I don’t even know which kidney the doctors are going to take yet. Left. Right. Who knows?
On Monday I’ll go in to the hospital for a CT Angiogram. Basically the docs will inject some contrast dye inside of me and stick me in a CatScan so that they can see my kidney function, find out which one is stronger. They’ll leave me with the strongest one.
So for now, I won’t write about this in my poetry. Not until I truly know what it’s like to have one kidney. Not until I know what it’s like to be a living donor. I’m sure the poems will pour out of me then. It just doesn’t feel right yet.